


The One About Last Night

by polybi



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Crack, Lesbians, Post-Split
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2018-10-01 22:37:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polybi/pseuds/polybi
Summary: Snow and the Evil Queen in compromising positions.  That's all you need to know





	1. The Morning After The Night Before

**Introduction/Author's Notes**

 

I don’t actually care who created SnowQueen.  I just know this might end it.  This is pure crack and possibly smut. There is nothing serious here. Also, the chapters will be shorter.

 

Your comments are begged for.  The usual disclaimers. 

 

Once more into the breach, dear fellows, once more....

 

**The morning after the night before..**

 

The morning Maine sun is bright and beautiful. Unless, of course, you spent the previous evening consuming GodsKnowWhatTheHellWasThatIDrunk. It shines its light and radiates its warmth on you.  Which, if you are a certain Evil Queen, becomes the triggering device of the mother, father, and illegitimate son of all hangovers.  Your head weighs 10 tons, and your stomach is doing a recap was doing a recap of the 85th final battle between your army and that of Snow White. 

 

You don’t know how you landed in this bed...though it was rather comfortable, all thing considered.  You don’t even initially remember what happened, though there were vague dribs and drabs about destroying Snow once and for all, something about a magic potion, a flask, glasses clinking and then....blackout.

 

But none of that really matters. Those disgusting greaseballs that Henry and Violet forced on you earlier that day were about to come out the same place they went in with triple the pressure when you hear a noise.

 

_ “Mmmmmmm....” _

 

Then....

 

_ “Oh baby.......” _

 

It was a woman’s voice alright. A very familiar one.   Too familiar.  You turn around to see that you were sleeping next to a squirming mass under those covers.  Its then that you realize that you were only wearing your birthday suit.  A suit covered in what could only be described as bites of passion. You looked in a mirror that was close enough to see a hickey about the size of Arendelle on your neck.  The stomach somehow settled enough for you to at least function.  The fog was clearing and more things were coming into focus: you told someone you were sorry, that person apologized back, that person said you were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.  There was a kiss.  Then a  _ kiss _ . And then a  **_KISS_ ** .  You could not remember anything after that.  

 

And now a fear comes over you.  Actually a terror.  Was it possible that the person responsible for hickeys all over your body, the one you apparently had sex with sex with...could it be??

You had to find out, didn’t you? Slowly you removed the covers.  The sun now was working its insidious magic on the other person.  It was a woman. She was as naked as you were.  She was....

 

The green eyes of the other woman looked into your blue ones.  There was that flash of recognition, and then....

 

...in unison...

 

_ “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRGH.......!!!!!!” _

 

**Meanwhile at 108 Mifflin.........**

 

_ “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRGH.......!!!!!!” _

 

A blue-eyed blonde woman awoke with a start at the sound of her brunette lover sitting up in the bed they shared staring at the wall, cold sweats coming down her face.

 

“Baby , what’s wrong?” Emma Swan-Mills, Sheriff and official town savior of Storybrooke, ME was worried about her wife.

 

Regina Swan-Mills was panting, the aftermath of a very bad dream. “I’m fine darling...more or less.”

 

Emma put her arm around Regina and gave her wife a kiss on the cheek. “I mean, babe, when you scream like that and I didn't touch you...” Regina blushed at Emma, considering they both were doing a lot of screaming a few hours before. “... I'm kinda wondering what was up. Bad dream..?” Emma realized after two years of being together, everything from the death of Daniel to sending Henry off to college triggered a bad dream. In fact, one of the few good things the Evil Queen did to protect Regina was to absorb those nightmare within her so her host would sleep well.

 

Regina acknowledged the dream, but it wasn't anything about her mother or losing a son to Maine academics. It was a dream that included the Queen and Snow.  And it was weird: Regina dreamt that the Queen and Snow were having a knock-down drag out, while taking shots of Snow’s Irish coffee....minus the coffee.  Then one thing lead to another that lead to the two bitter enemies kissing as if they were lovers five minutes before the end of the world. Tongues and hands were all over their bodies.  Much nakedness ensued...and at a certain point....that’s when Regina woke up screaming.

 

Emma continued to hug her wife, but it was clear that the color had gone out of her cheeks when she heard about Regina’s dream about her evil doppelganger  _ flagrenting _ her mom’s  _ delecti _ . She tried to convince Regina....and maybe herself...that it was only a dream

 

“Maybe you’re right, darling. She’s wearing that cuff, so she can’t do magic on her own.  In fact the last time I saw the Queen she was leaving....” Regina’s eyes suddenly went wide.  She had just remembered two things: “I saw the Queen leaving Gold’s shop this afternoon...” That was one.  The other was that in very intense moments, Regina and the Queen, being actually the same person, could feel and experience what the other was feeling (Regina knows about this first hand due to one afternoon not long ago when she was presiding over a town council meeting at exactly the same time that the Queen was back in the mansion giving Regina’s vibrating rabbit a test run.  It took three weeks for Regina to take those phone videos down from YouTube). 

 

“Regina, are you saying....?”

 

“I think it's possible the Queen wanted to do something to your mother. I just hope it’s not too late...”  And with that, Regina made two motions, one to fully dress bother herself and Emma, then poof the pair to try to stop the Queen from doing more damage that she already did.

  
**So what DID happen between the Queen and Snow? Come back soon...same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!**


	2. So THAT's What Happened.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow and the Queen talk about the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one dies. There is no final battle. Just like many of you I'm sick and tired of having the creators take characters that we love and throw them into a Cuisinart.
> 
> In essence this is how I would have liked for everything to end. Or at least to begin. (Update: The Boys surprised me by [spoiler] allowing TEQ to live in Wishverse. That will figure in this.)
> 
> The usual disclaimers....

Ten minutes ago...

“What. In the hell. Have we done....? As the clouds lift on both of their brains, the Evil Queen and Snow White, naked as the day they were born, stood on opposite sides of the bed in Snow's apartment. A bed that they seemed to have shared....and judging from the condition of the sheets, rather actively, the Queen asked the question whose answer both knew. And if frightened them.

The two women simply stood in shock as they surveyed the situation they found themselves in. Snow stared at the being that was the personification of the ultra ego Regina Mills created as a means of self-protection. Protecting against a man who did not love her Andaman who was eventually killed upon the order of said alter ego. And as much as Snow White hated the Evil Queen, you could not help but be taken in by the evil woman's beauty. Her clear skin, those deep green eyes La body that can only be called amazing a body that seduced many men and probably a few women as well to do her bidding.

And in that, Snow saw in the Queen's face and eyes all the pain and anger that she bore. That the Queen protected her creator from. That Snow knew she was responsible for.

The Queen also looked upon the other woman's nakedness. That little girl Regina saved from that runaway horse, that frightened little girl had long ago disappeared. In her place was a woman. A true woman. flower with still gamine-like, there was maturity. The body was a bit fuller; childbirth will do that to one. But she also saw in the younger woman's face....love. not as much lust, so he could detect that as well, but a woman who, so a leader of great armies, was a woman capable of great love. Love of her husband. Love of her friends. Love for her grown daughter and baby son. Love for the woman who saved her long ago. And as perplexing as it was for the Evil Queen, love for the entity that had hated her through centuries.

“It must have been what you put in my tea, Queen.”

“If it was, Snow, we would both be dead by now.” The Queen had just admitted culpability, though both were wondering what had happened.

“I assumed it was one of Rumpelstiltskin this handy-dandy sleeping potions.” The Queen gave an empty chuckle. True, she wanted to put Snow to sleep, but ever since Regina melded her heart and the Queen’s together, her soul really wasn’t into it. To be honest, the Queen seemed empty ever since she came back from the Wishverse after Robin Hood went back to a revived Marian (not out of hatred for the Queen), Snow, and to a certain extent, Charming, were gnawing at her mind. Maybe ridding herself of the couple would finally give her, if not a happy ending, peace.

More clouds cleared and more memories came to the fore. Neither one seemed to comprehend the events of the past few hours. But those memories were very passionate, and erotic. Whatever hatred or fear that either had for each other were replaced with.....well, lust, for starters.

Ther remembered two adversaries locked not in mortal combat and immoral congress. The Queen many times underestimated the former Bandit, but not in this manner. The sweet, innocent ingenue had become a passionate beast, devouring Her Majesty’s body. The Queen, on the other hand, could match the ministrations of the former Queen of Mysthaven touch by touch, lick by lick, kiss by kiss. And in the end, on final liplock between the two women were the only thing that muffled the final screams of passion before their bodies collapsed on each other and the world went dark before the awakened again. 

And now they stand, wondering if the memories they were both experiencing were real. There was one way to find out. 

The two women met at the head of the bed, sat down. They faced each other. Their faces drew closer. Their lips touched.

It was real. What happened last night was real. First their lips, then mouths, and finally bodies had become magnets. After several minutes they had to pry themselves from each other. 

And then the Evil Queen collapsed in sobs.

Snow White, forever the one with empathy, asked what was wrong. The Queen sobbed, “Everything...”

“...don’t you see, Snow?” The Queen was shaking with emotion now. “I’M the one who swore I’d destroy your happiness. I’M the one who cursed you! I’m the one who forced you put your daughter in that wardrobe! I AM the one who was responsible for the death....” The Queen could not continue, but Snow finished the sentence. “....my father...”

Then Snow held the Queen tighter. “You don’t have to blame yourself...or Regina. You didn’t curse us. This is a blessing..!” The Queen swore that Snow could be one of those motivational speakers Emma rattles on about. “I do have my daughter back, and she’s with Regina and she is happy. And so am I! But most important, you are not responsible for the death of my father...and before you say anything, I know about you and Sidney and everything. You are not responsible for what happened to my father....”

It was Snow’s next two words, though, that knocked the Queen for a loop....

“I am.”

TBC


	3. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow confesses.

Just now..

“What the hell did you just say...?”

The Evil Queen, naked as the day she was born, who just concluded a passionate, sapphic session of sex with the woman who, up until this morning, was her bitter enemy, Snow White (also as naked) confess that it was she, not the Evil Queen, not Regina Mills, who was responsible for the death of her father...and Regina’s husband...King Leopold.

“Yes, I am responsible.” The Queen tried to object, but Snow put a hand in front of the Queen and spoke: “Look, I know that you had SIdney...the genie...put those snakes on my father’s bed. And I also know what my father did to you....” The Queen was not easily shocked, but this shocked her, that Snow knew of her father’s unwanted advances. What the Queen could not understand was, even with that knowledge, how could she be responsible for what the Queen did. 

“When you...I mean Regina...saved me on that horse and you told me to get back on that think and keep trying...and I looked in your eyes, I fell so deeply in love with you. You were, and are, the most beautiful human in any universe.” Snow’s tears started to fall and her voice quivered as her confession continued: “But I knew I couldn’t have you. I was too young and all I wanted was for you to be happy. But I could be close to you if....if my dad married you. That way you could still love me as a mom.”

So many emotions flooded the Queen at that point. One in particular. And the Queen had to ask. “Your promise. Daniel...”

“I swear, Regina, to the gods, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought...I truly thought...that I was doing it to make sure that your happiness with Daniel was secure.” Snow then began to weep hard, not caring whether it was Regina she was talking to or the Evil Queen, as she continued. “All I wanted was for you to stop hurting. To be happy. And even in the times that we thought we hated each other, all I wanted was to find a way for you to be happy.....and I failed!” The last three words were wailed out of Snow as she surrendered to her emotions.

There were many ways that the Evil Queen, protector of Regina, could have responded to this. Her lips catching the tears of the Queen of Mysthaven may have been the one way Snow never thought, however...

“You did not fail. You gave us.....Emma.”

And with that, the Queen kissed the lips of Snow White. 

What happened for this the night before was induced passion. But this was love. Real love. The only thing Snow could describe it to was her first night with Charming and the night they created Emma. Maybe there was something to that. And neither knew what time had passed as they laid finally spent on the mattress. But Snow, always the practical one, realized there was one big looming problem. When the Queen asked what it was, Snow simply pointed to the gold ring on her wedding finger.

“Oh, that.” the Queen playfully resigned herself that Snow’s true love would back later in the morning. But she just wanted five more minutes with Snow. Five more minutes with the woman who no longer thought of the Queen as evil.

“Is there another name you can call me?

“You are Regina, right..?”

“Yes...and no.”

“How about just....Gina.”

The Queen thought about it. It did have that regal air to it. And so, the Evil Queen, no longer that evil, accepted her new name, and showed her gratitude by deeply kissing the woman who named her, who in turn returned the kiss even more deeply.

And if what happened after that was any indication, Snow and Gina were two very grateful women.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPECIAL NOTICE: I want to thank all the people who enjoyed my General Danvers fic, The One Where Astra Got Bizzy. Unfortunately I had to take it down. Hopefully a rewrite will happen soon. My apologies.


	4. Spanish Fly and Other Delights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina confront Gold about what the Evil Queen got to poison Snow. That may not have been the *best* idea...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile.
> 
> There will be more EvilSnowQueen, but this eppy is SwanQueen-centric. Also, it is up to us writers to keep ALL the ships includes SQ, DQ, CS, all of them.
> 
> The usual disclaimers (not that I give a rip at this point...)
> 
> I will say thanks to all of those who like, kudoed, or commented. I didn't know you liked it this much. Keep those cards and letter comin'!

**Previously...**

_What happened for this the night before was induced passion. But this was love. Real love. The only thing Snow could describe it to was her first night with Charming and the night they created Emma. Maybe there was something to that. And neither knew what time had passed as they laid finally spent on the mattress. But Snow, always the practical one, realized there was one big looming problem. When the Queen asked what it was, Snow simply pointed to the gold ring on her wedding finger._

" _Oh, that." the Queen playfully resigned herself that Snow's true love would back later in the morning. But she just wanted five more minutes with Snow. Five more minutes with the woman who no longer thought of the Queen as evil._

" _Is there another name you can call me?_

" _You are Regina, right..?"_

" _Yes...and no."_

" _How about just...Gina."_

_The Queen thought about it. It did have that regal air to it. And so, the Evil Queen, no longer that evil, accepted her new name and showed her gratitude by deeply kissing the woman who named her, who in turn returned the kiss even more deeply._

_And if what happened after that was any indication, Snow and Gina were two very grateful women._

* * *

 

**Gold's Pawn Shop. 15 minutes ago**

A swirl of purple smoke began to dissipate in front of the entrance of Gold's Pawn Shop. The Sheriff and the Mayor were hoping they could get the con artist imp formerly known as Rumplestiltskin to give up the goods on what if anything the Evil Queen had in mind for Snow.

"Well, Regina, do you think he's in?"

"It's 8:30 in the morning, Swan...he's probably counting the money he made yesterday...he's in, babe."

So why was the door to the shop locked? The shop was usually open by now. There was some energetic knocking by both the Mayor and the Sheriff, and the pair was about apply some magic to the door when suddenly it opened. Actually was less than being open then being squeezed. And squeezing in that doorway was the head of a Rumpelstiltskin that neither Emma door Regina had ever seen before. Quite frankly, to paraphrase Ruby, the Imp looked like who did it, what for, and why.

"Please, Sheriff...Your Majesty...I beg of you... please..." Even at his most cowardly, Gold never begged. But he was begging now. Not only that, his face was that of a man who had gone through something beyond hell.

Emma's demeanor softened. If the Evil Queen was responsible for this, God knows what she might have in mind for Snow or Charming or anyone else. "What happened here? Was the Queen here last night?

Gold opened the door to Emma and Regina. The man had no visible injuries, but it was clear he had gone. The women walked in, wondering exactly was going on. "Gold," said Regina, "was the Queen responsible for whatever happened to you?" Before Gold could even think of responding, the Mayor got her answer, though it wasn't the one she was looking for...

"Rumple, darling... who are you talking to?" The Aussie-esque accent was easy to recognize. It was another voice that sent chills up Regina's spine.

"Yeah, baby, we were just  _starting_.." Similar accent, but deeper and lustier. Less Keats and Shakespeare, more Old English 400 and Jack Herer.

Emma had the look of astonishment on her face. "That couldn't be..."

"Yes, that's Belle...and Lacey."

"You mean...," Regina gulped, " _Racy_  Lacey...?"

"The same..."

Emma seemed baffled: "How the hell..."

A rather exhausted Gold interrupted the Sheriff: "What happened, Ms. Swan is that there seems to have been some spare amounts of the potion that separated our Mayor and the Evil Queen. Well, it seems that, for some ungodly reason, Belle took a swig of the stuff...

Regina, smirking: "...and now you're having a threesome with your wife and her doppelganger..."

Emma, smirking: "..sounds more a dopple-gang-banger..."

'What the hell do you two harpies want...? Gold was definitely not in the mood for Royal-Savior smirking...

"Regina," Emma whispered, still smirking, "He called us  _harpies_!"

"Harpies?," the Mayor retorted. "You're getting soft, Rumplestiltskin..."

The aforementioned imp stood at the counter, hands to his eyes, looking like refried death. "What. The.  _FUCK_. Do. You Want." Gold doesn't curse. Ever.

"Ok, Gold, slow your roll," said Emma. "Just this...did the Evil Queen come by here yesterday to buy something...?

No snappy replies or offers. Right now anything to get Cagney and Lacey out of his shop. And he'd deal with the two Belles later...he just wanted rest. So it was an exasperated Gold who gave the pair standing in front of him their answer, after taking one huge breath...

"She wanted a vial of sleeping potion. I was too exhausted to argue so I just gave her a bottle, hoping that she would leave...which thankfully she did. Last one I had, actually."

"Let me see..." Something drew Regina to the counter. Something very familiar.

"Are you talking about  _this_  bottle?" Regina knows the exact bottle and the exact formulation of the potion that started all of the mess. Gold looked like somebody who had just realized that he put down the mortgage to the house on the New England Patriots. He also noted he was missing a bottle. He probably gave that one to the Evil Queen. Regina took one look at the bottle. Her face went white.

"Your Majesty, you don't have to worry, it's not lethal, whatever it was..."

A highly enraged Mayor looked at the bottle, and then gave Gold a glare that could cut ice. "Do you know what's in that bottle? Cantharidin!"

Now it was Emma's turn to look enraged. "You mean the Evil Queen gave my mother... _ **SPANISH FLY?!"**_

Gold now realized that there were two bottles instead five. Simple arithmetic accounted for the bottle mistakenly given two the evil queen, and that in the cellar there were now two nymphomaniac beauties that were impatiently preparing to lovingly molest their poor beast.

"C'mon Regina," Emma admonished. "We need to get to Snow's before anything else happens." Regina and her wife were both imagining some pretty horrid things that could happen to Snow White under the influence of Spanish Fly..."

There was nothing further said by the Sheriff and the Mayor as Regina raced from behind the counter, joined Emma with hands held and poofed out of the shop, just as Gold heard two almost identical voices trying to lure their impish victim back downstairs.

"Woe is me," was what Gold muttered as he slowly...very slowly...turned and walked towards the stairs.

Once Regina and Emma materialized outside, Emma whipped out her phone. There was one thing that could make the morning of horrors even worse. When the call was connected her worst fears were confirmed.

"That was Tink. Dad's left for home."

"Holy shit!" They both realized that when David got home, what he may find could set him off. Hands held the two poofed again, this time headed for Snow, hoping they would not be too late.

* * *

 

**TBC**


End file.
